Practicing Parami Under Pressure

In a previous post I laid out a blueprint for how I might use my practice of the Parami to live a more intentional life. The blueprint went like this:

With wisdom and truthfulness, I can see the narratives I tell about my life. I can work to renounce my expectations of how things should be and see more clearly the truth of how things are. Then, I can bring energy and resolve to my intention to practice kindness, generosity, and virtue so that my actions tend to increase happiness and decrease suffering for myself and others. Throughout, I will endeavor to have patience with the process so that I might develop some degree of equanimity with the ups and downs that I will naturally experience.

In this manner, I set the intention to practice Parami with the aim of being a better person in general. However, when faced with exceptionally stressful situations – when we find ourselves in the midst of a crisis or are overwhelmed by strong emotions – a more focused and intentional practice is helpful to bring us through the crisis with the least amount of suffering possible.

Life as a special needs parent gives you all sorts of opportunities for practicing Parami under pressure. I remember once when Sarah went into status epilepticus, she stopped breathing and had to be intubated by the paramedics and flown to the nearest children’s hospital. We didn’t know if she would survive or end up with serious brain damage. Many parents regularly face these sorts of life or death situations with their medically fragile children. Given the current dysfunctional state of health care in the US, families are often faced with losing health insurance or with not being able to afford life-saving medications like insulin. One single-mother I know with two special needs kids was on the brink of homelessness when her landlord told her they had to move out on short notice. The main challenge at these times is to see whether, in this very moment of suffering, we can pay attention to what’s happening and use the Parami to respond with kindness and patience.

Before applying to medical school, I had to take the Medical College Admissions Test (MCAT). Recently, I took the PPAT (Parami Practice Admissions Test), which took the form of helping someone through a very emotional life crisis. The experience demanded that I urgently call upon all of the skills that I had been cultivating over the previous months. When teachers give instructions on working with intense emotions, they often recommend putting one’s hand over the heart and sending metta (loving-kindness) to oneself in a calm and soothing manner. The situation I found myself in was more akin to a trauma surgeon on the battlefield shouting, “I need 2 mg of Equanimity by IV push, STAT!” It was a pass/fail exam where failure meant getting caught up in the firestorm of emotion and potentially escalating the crisis with painful consequences for both myself and my friend.

So, how does one practice Parami Under Pressure? A useful tool for me was to recite the Parami in my mind like a mantra. This helped me see which of the 10 might be needed in any given moment and also served as a constant reminder to me to stay with my intention to help and not get caught up in the drama.

Truthfulness, Wisdom & Renunciation

It is imperative that we be brutally honest with ourselves in order to see reality as it is without the distortion of how we think it ought to be. In Buddhism, wisdom relates to having an understanding of the Four Noble Truths: Suffering arises (1) because we cling to our opinions about how things should be (2), but we can end suffering (3) by following a path of peace (4). When we stop deceiving ourselves we can accept responsibility for the role we play in generating our own suffering.

However, we don’t do this by blaming or judging. Instead, we use honesty to see where our actions may be hurtful to ourselves or others and set the intention to act with more empathy and compassion. We work on renouncing our opinions about how others should act or what we think we deserve. Of course, we should set goals related to a successful resolution of the problem and work to achieve those goals. However, things will often not go according to the plan, and clinging to expectations and views only escalates the suffering already inherent in the situation.

Kindness & Patience

It is likely that the hard truths confronted during periods of extreme stress will be difficult to bear. Whatever the situation, we will be faced with experiences that we would rather push away, reject, or run from. It is never easy to let go of our fierce desire for the situation to be other than it is and we will naturally feel despair and grief as we develop a deep understanding that life is not turning out how we planned. This is why kindness and patience are the two most important Parami to keep at the forefront of our practice during trying times.

When working through a stressful event, we may easily become frustrated and lash out in ways we later regret. Remember that it is difficult to respond skillfully when under duress. The people around you may not have had the opportunity to practice mindfulness or Parami. The manner in which any of us react to stress when not practicing is determined by our own past conditioning and well established habit patterns. My teacher Anita Gribbon said that practicing Dharma means “having the courage to recognize our humanity in every moment”. In the midst of a crisis, remember to have patience with yourself and others. Treat everyone with kindness throughout the process, even if you don’t think they deserve it. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or enacting your own knee-jerk reactions, take a moment to pause and reconnect with your inherent compassionate wish to alleviate suffering.

Virtue & Generosity

Set the intention to practice non-harming, especially with regard to your speech and actions. Pema Chodron says to ask yourself, “Do I want to practice peace, or am I going to war?” We understand that our words can harm or heal. Rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind during an acutely stressful event, we can catch ourselves and cultivate the sacred pause – that tiny moment before we react when we can remember our aspiration to help rather than harm. When we are stressed it is natural to want to close off and harden our heart against further pain. While we do sometimes need to take a break, our problems don’t go away when we hide from them. Instead, endeavor to be generous with your time, attention, kindness, and forgiveness.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Lewis B. Smedes

Energy & Resolve

It takes a great amount of energy to cope with an acutely stressful event. Often the crisis might last days or weeks, if not longer. The adage “choose your battles” comes to mind; choose where you want to focus your efforts and recognize when you need to conserve energy. Walk away and take a break when needed. We can unravel all the progress we made with just a few unskillful words said when we hit our limit. When we resolve to use Parami even under pressure, we are making a holy vow to always act in a way that is for our welfare and the welfare of others.

Equanimity

Last, and I think always most difficult, is the practice of equanimity. During a crisis, the first nine Parami can be actively practiced in the moment of suffering, while equanimity is the background app that we keep running throughout the entire process. It facilitates a sense of calm by helping to keep us from getting caught in the ups and downs that naturally occur.

Equanimity is the big heart that can steadily hold feelings and perceptions in full awareness without getting rocked by them … we don’t dismiss the world, but get a heart that’s big enough to embrace it.

Ajahn Sucitto

When we accept that we can’t control other people’s decisions or actions, and that we have limited control over the outcome of an emergency, we are better able to work toward the best possible solution for everyone involved. At any given moment, we can see that we’re all just doing the best we can and can cultivate compassion for ourselves and other people in the world who are coping with similar difficulties.

In her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron writes, “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.”

One thing we can count on is that life will continue to present us with opportunities to practice Parami under pressure. May the merit of our practice be of benefit to all.

Metta

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it ’til your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Credit for featured photo at top of post goes to Wendy Pilcher.

You can also listen to an audio version of this post given as a Dharma talk at the Wimberley Insight Meditation group.

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