Renunciation: The Art of Letting Go

There’s a popular new show on Netflix that’s garnering a lot of attention: “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. Basically, Ms. Kondo helps people get rid of clutter and organize their homes with the idea that getting rid of things that don’t ‘spark joy’ will reduce stress, generate happiness, and may even save your marriage. The trend right now seems to be toward renunciation as a path to happiness.

Nekkhamma

Renunciation (Nekkhamma in Pali) holds a place of prominence in the core Buddhist teachings. It is the third of ten Parami, or perfections – characteristics that one who aspires to full awakening should cultivate. For secular Buddhists, the Parami can be thought of as 10 traits that help one be a better person. The practice of renunciation is not only helpful for cleaning out the attic in your house, but is especially beneficial for getting rid of the clutter in your mental attic as well.

“The soul grows by subtraction, not addition.”

Henry David Thoreau

Essentially the practice of Nekhamma is to let go of things that create suffering. On the show, the clutter in the people’s homes causes stress and anxiety, and the featured families experience joy when they have cleared away all the excess stuff. In the Buddhist practice, you are not only getting rid of material possessions, but also mental clutter – repetitive mental habits that are the “clutter” of the mind – and habitual behaviors like stress eating or patterns of reacting to people who don’t share your opinion. Healthy renunciation may be a particularly useful tool to help parents come to terms with the major life paradigm shift that comes with having a medically fragile child.

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A quick aside: Westerners should not confuse the Buddhist practice of renunciation with the Christian version, which involves rigid self denial and even self mortification. Recall that the Buddha taught the “middle way”; one should avoid the extremes of hedonism at one end and asceticism at the other. The historic Buddha was said to have experienced both and neither lead him to true peace and awakening.

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In a nutshell, the practice of renunciation is based on the understanding that many of the things in life that give us temporary pleasure ultimately cause suffering. When we are able to let go of these things, we are able to find a more stable, enduring happiness. It is easy to understand this principal with relation to material possessions and unhealthy habits such as smoking, alcoholism, and drug addiction. There are other, less obvious, but potentially more powerful domains where the practice of renunciation can be transformative.

Sensory Input

How often do we plug ourselves into the internet, TV, or social media to avoid having to be alone in our own heads? We can’t even stand in line at the grocery store without pulling out our phones. Over the last couple decades, we have developed a continuous need for sensory stimulus and distraction. I once had a 3 year old patient ask me if we had Wifi in the office. She was too young to read, but she sure knew how to surf the web! Or, we reach for food in an attempt to satisfy an emotional hunger rather than a purely physical need for nourishment. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I tend to stress-eat whenever Sarah has a seizure-filled night. How often do these strategies actually lead to relief? After 20 minutes perusing Facebook, I feel more anxious and stressed, not less; and yet, I feel compelled to check my feed whenever I have more than 30 seconds of downtime. How about just turning it all off and noticing what’s going on both around you and in your body? I just had a very rewarding conversation with a stranger in the coffee shop because I took the time to take out my earbuds and interact with my environment. When we renounce the need for continuous sensory input, we can meet life at it is, notice the ways we’re suffering ourselves or causing suffering in others, and begin the work that will bring true relief, and not just distraction.

Views and Opinions

In his book Secular Buddhism, Noah Rasheta points out that, “Nothing has the power to unite us or divide us quite like our views and beliefs.” It’s a good idea to periodically review your closely held opinions to determine if they are a cause of suffering. Are you a prisoner of your own views? For example, look at your self view; do you see yourself as ugly or beautiful, smart or dumb, fit or fat? Rasheta talks about the “Lie of I” – who you think you are rather than who you really are – and asks, ” What would you look like without the labels you give yourself?”

Let go of ego-clinging and the constant need to be right, to be justified, to be righteous. Vipassana teacher, Steve Armstrong asks,

“What is it that you have to let go of in order to fulfill your aspiration [to achieve happiness]?”… “Rummage around in the attic of your life and see what it is that you have acquired, accumulated, grabbed onto. What baggage are you carrying around from your earlier adult years that no longer serves your aspiration?” … “These things served their purpose at a former time in your life, but they don’t serve you now.”

Expectations

Like many, I made a new year’s resolution to lose weight. I’ve been exercising regularly and trying to stick to a healthy diet. But when I step on the scale and the number displayed doesn’t match my expectations, I am sorely disappointed. Perhaps it would be wiser to make lifestyle changes with the goal of long-term improvement of general health and wellbeing without having short-term expectations about my weight.

Renunciation of expectations may be of greatest benefit to special needs parents who must let go of many of the ideas they had about how their lives would play out before their child became ill. You thought you would be spending your time at Little League games and ballet recitals, but instead you find yourself heading to IEP meetings and medical appointments. Your friends learn how to make slime out of Elmer’s Glue while you learn how to vent a g-tube. Often, one parent ends up giving up the career they worked so hard toward in order to stay home and care for their child. Money put away for college tuition or even retirement is spent on medical bills. As Marie Kondo does with unwanted clothing, sometimes it’s best to examine our life expectations and say “thank you” to the ones that served us well in the past, but are now outdated and need to be discarded.

Regardless of whether or not you have a special needs child, set the intention to renounce clinging to your idea of How Things Should Be. The world is full of problems that don’t match our idea of “should be”. This doesn’t mean you become apathetic and never stand up for something you believe in. But you will suffer less if you recognize that the world isn’t going to change overnight and learn how to work toward a goal even if you have no expectation of reaching it.

“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”

-Greek Proverb – 

Even if a cure for Dravet syndrome were discovered tomorrow, Sarah will never have a “normal” independent life. I can continue to seek new treatments without adding the suffering of expecting a miraculous cure. Jack Kornfield advises that we let go of worry about what is to come. Cultivate “Don’t Know Mind”. What’s going to happen? We have some ideas, but we don’t really know, so don’t cling to your expectations about the future.

The Joy of Renunciation

“Renunciation is not giving up the things of this world, but accepting that they go away.”.

Suzuki Roshi

When we recognize that all things are impermanent and stop holding on tightly to things that do not bring lasting happiness, we are able to cultivate a deeper joy. Try to notice what in your experience causes suffering and what tends to create a feeling of lasting contentment. Instead of your clothing, as Ms. Kondo recommends, you might take all your mental clutter and put it in a big pile and then go through it piece by piece and decide what to get rid of (be sure to thank it) and what you want to keep. Mary Oliver asks, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Are you doing what makes you truly happy? Not the transient happiness that eventually leads to suffering, but true happiness, contentment, and peace. Is there anything in your life right now that is blocking your way to happiness? What can you let go of? What do you no longer need?

“To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it 
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go”

Mary Oliver

Metta

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